Many neurodivergent people approach the holidays with very strong feelings. Some of us love them: the sensory delights, the rituals, the decorations, the fun, the time off. But many of us approach the holidays with great dread: the social anxiety, confronting family, not having safe family, the loss of routine, the stress of travel, the sensory overwhelm.

No matter what your feelings are about the holidays, they offer an opportunity to practice unmasking. Holiday unmasking means you can be more yourself, more authentic, and therefore more regulated in your nervous system as you go through this time of year. What can this look like?

A regulated nervous system would mean you are alert, have awareness of sensations, emotions and thoughts, and feel connected to what matters to you, even if you are temporarily doing something unpleasant. How might you have a regulated nervous system during the holidays? Becoming more authentic with your needs, or unmasking, in the following arenas would likely help.

Sensory needs

What are my sensory needs and how can I honor them? For example, I know for myself that I have a very special hatred for Christmas music, and try to stay out of any public place where I am forced to hear it. When I have to hear that music, I make jokes about it to keep myself regulated, or even dance to it to move my frustrations.

Perhaps you struggle with large gatherings because it makes auditory processing difficult. It is entirely reasonable to ask others to move with you to a quieter space so you can focus. You may find others relieved to join you, as many people struggle with the same thing but may not know how to ask for what they are needing. Or you can simply move your own self where you need to be to feel comfortable.

Sensory needs also involve food. What are your dietary needs and how can you take care of them? Perhaps you communicate with those you will be eating with ahead of time, such as: “I am vegan (gluten free, sugar free, etc), so if you would label all the ingredients in your offering at the potluck, that would help me immensely. Or: “I am avoiding dairy, so if you could leave the whip cream off that pie, I would sure love to eat it.”

Many neurodivergent people are very sensitive to lighting. Can you use your sensitivities to create the restful mood lighting you desire? Others may not realize they too aren’t loving the flashing holiday lights, but if you change the setting to something softer, they may actually thank you for it.

Social needs: parties and gifts

Beyond sensory advocacy, there are other ways we can unmask during the holidays. Perhaps you find yourself in an overly busy flurry of events and would much rather be quiet at home. Unmasking might look like declining invitations, and rewarding your choice with giving yourself sensory delights instead, like a having a slow walk outside, a fire in the fireplace, warm tea, or a bath. It also might look like creating the kind of social gathering that is enjoyable to you: perhaps a small group of people doing structured activity, such as a game night. Perhaps you find gift giving stressful and demanding. What if you alert your people that instead of exchanging gifts this year, you would prefer to exchange found objects, such as rocks or shells? Perhaps the real gift you give your people during the holidays is your authenticity, showing them a bit more of yourself, educating them about how your brain works, and giving them space to ask questions.

Nervous system needs

During the holidays we are out of our routines. This can be unsettling and anxiety producing. How can you give yourself the routines that keep you sane, such as getting enough sleep, moving your body, or as my kids say “touching grass”? Can you make choices that help you to slow down? How can we, as movement teacher Nita Little says, move at the speed of our own attention? If you move faster than your attention can track, you will get hurt. This maxim is good for movement, but applies to life in general. In the wintertime, as animals we metabolically slow down, requiring more rest, less stimulation, and fewer calories in a modified kind of hibernation. However, holiday culture creates the opposite: high activity, less rest, more stimulation, and more rich and complex food and drink. How can we create an unmasking holiday culture that more closely follows what our bodies are asking of us? The first step is to listen to our bodies for feedback. Our bodies are always communicating, letting us know what we need, but we need to slow down to hear the message before we can respond.

One last reminder: this holiday time is temporary. At some point, this too shall pass, and we will return to non-holiday life. How can we be here now, and be curious about the present reality, even if it is not our favorite time of year?